TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely away from position. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But Indeed, positive, let's have A different area where American Gentlemen can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though previous negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: offer Absolutely everyone a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It is that he should prevent applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the job, replied, "You recognize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior men and women. Excellent tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from Room, a attribute remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.


"It can be not merely unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Capabilities


Probably the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where visitors could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge displays:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "the place's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting interest from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll invest in a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may even include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to view a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a hotel where my PTSD might have change-down services."


Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You are welcome."

Report this page